You don't like me, you just want the attention

Today was a rad day at work. There is something about proving your worth in such an offbeat and surprising way. And what a departure! I've got skills I barely even knew I had. I suppose I have wicked ambition. Putting myself on the map like that, leaving the office early and... next week off. Glorious.




We are busy gathering everything we need, checking things off lists. I've got a couple of projects on the go still that need to be completed by tomorrow afternoon at the latest, then we are heading to my mom's for an American Thanksgiving.

Went in after work to see Fantastic Mr Fox last night. The humor was right up my alley. It's one of those movies where I came out giddy and repeating stuff- mainly whistles, clicks and snaps. It is as if someone had picked my brain- my various woodland Calico Critters were equally fantastic and I had them playing out very similar schemes when I was young. A bear family, a raccoon family, some cats, bunnies and mice. I think I might have spotted some in a store recently...
Roald Dahl's stories are so quirky and fun, I may just have to make a stop at Chapters tomorrow to pick one for the plane ride. The Witches was always my favorite.

Take off is Sunday morning. Esto es fantástico.

The night was so long, the day even longer

It's been rather foggy and damp these last few days- work has been fairly busy (insane). I've been working late, eating uninspired Subway dinners each night and running on little sleep. Last night I watched the clock tick. Last time I checked, it was 2:12am. I think I am excited. A tad eager. To leave, to breathe and have some time away from it all. I just know when I get back, all laid back and rested, I will have these pretty grand ideas about how the world and my life should be and how wrong we have it here. Classic.

I took my hand out of my pocket, Up came a fist

I feel as though I am standing here finally declaring Here I am! with shaking fists. I no longer want to be ashamed of what I think and how I feel. I refuse to be confined to paranoia, anxiousness, fearful of others opinions of me or worried about how they will react. Opening back up has only led to good things thus far and, with it, a sense of confidence. I feel stronger, almost ballsy. Paying close attention not to turn up cocky, of course. Of course!



In my experience so far, it seems to gets more and more difficult the older you get, to make and maintain true friendships. After figuring myself out, fighting my own battles, when the sky had seemingly cleared- I looked up and practically everyone I knew was gone. We had all dispersed. It's only natural.

While I miss the chit chats and the time spent with close friends, it isn't to say that I am stuck feeling incredibly unhappy or lonely. I consider myself a fairly content loner more often than not. It's true. I enjoy the company of myself and time spent alone too. I spent many years depending on others for security, happiness and welfare. I was uncomfortable unless surrounded by people constantly. The moment I found and obtained a sense of independence, I embraced it. Being by myself (in a certain sense), has allowed me to learn so much about who I am. Adopting a no-nonsense approach. I can see so clearly now what it is that I want and the things I most certainly do not have room or time for. I never need to feel lost in a crowd or a part of something I don't belong to when I am doing my own thing. Of course, it can get to the point where, yes, I simply feel like an outcast. It means a lot to me to simply have someone there. There is a wish to feel respected and appreciated by people (vice versa) outside of your primary relationship. There are days I am certain I can drive Jeff crazy too. It is a lot to handle- the mockery, the pranks, hours spent in malls and stores, the insane energy, the dancing and theatrics.


Upon posting yesterday, I received messages from a few old friends. It is then I had to grin. In one swift swoop, they came in willing to reconnect. Zero judgments, as caring as ever and understanding when you simply tell it like it is.

Accompany me by the kitchen sink

Dirty, dirty dishing.



Oh, those friendships. The kind I had in high school (and a little beyond), where we talked a lot about nothing and everything all at once, spending hours on the phone dishing advice, swooning, telling stories, selling ideas and forking over leads. The people who I spent time with and had an ear for simply because it was fun... and it worked.
They were there. Always. Warm, caring, uplifting and helpful.
I feel stupid knowing I have lost all of my own honest friends in the wake of my wandering rather aimlessly and the boys I encountered while doing so. While I would never trade the relationship I have with Jeff in for anything, I am saddened by the loss of those people who I connected with when I was out there on my own. Haunted now by the contagious laughter we shared, the silly conversations, the incredible life changes we all experienced. The togetherness.



Then came a time where I do not think I was ever much other than being the friend who would party, be a crazy time, was that extra body for the crowd when someone needed to feel surrounded. I see this now. I have tried to reconnect with these old pals but they seemed disconnected and indifferent to me. Busy.
When I seek companionship and time spent together, it is usually shrugged off or ignored. I never asked for much, I thought. I do not think anyone will ever understand how hurt I am by the deception and ignorance I have witnessed. People's actions speak louder than words. I have reached out for company at times and my hands were slapped away. Never given another thought. It shows me so much when they will jump at the bark of others who I assume they hold closer, dearer.
But, you know, it's okay. I understand I am an outsider. I always have been that outsider, never really belonging anywhere. I probably come off foreign, unknown, weird and unruly. I'm not in the 'click' you are so accustomed to. I didn't suck off Jack and I didn't grow up with Jill, and therefore you don't know me.



I may come off different now- I must remember this. I have taken part in a reinvention of sorts. Life itself is different for me. Time apart and changes on both ends made all gaps rather difficult to bridge. I lost all drinking buddies simply because I stopped drinking. I lost most guy friends because of my long term relationship. I lost friends to distance and impatience, careers and travels, weddings and babies.

I miss the chit chats more than anything. Someone to talk to, listen to, share interests, tell girly secrets to, feel close to, rely on. I no longer feel a part of anything similar to this. No longer truly close to any one in particular. There are people in my life, yes... but we all know we are not very close. I'm not about to pretend just to spare feelings. Or, maybe at the other end of the spectrum, it can inspire me to make the relationships I have now even better. I miss having a group of friends where I was not forced on them from the outside- a group (or an individual) that simply chose me.

In truth, I feel like an idiot for even asking for something so abstract- something that cannot be bought, or built, or even sought. I also feel pathetic for nearing the Oh waaaah, I have no friends line.

Sugar + Spice and Everything Nice.

A holiday pomander. I remember I had made a few when I was little, tied in red and green ribbons to hang from our Christmas tree. I have no idea where I got the idea or who originally showed me how to make them... It might have been at school under the instruction of some crafty teacher or Rosa's grandmother a couple doors down. Either way, I am so drawn to scents and how they stir memories and emotions, that it is something I just do not think I could ever forget.
The spicy scent of whole cloves, cinnamon, nutmeg and citrus lasts for months. After the holidays, I kept it in my closet to secretly sniff. Everything I had began taking on this lovely spicy scent. Total hippie. But if you like Chai or anything with that baked-goodie spice to it, then you will be down with one of these guys.
I just love how warm, aromatic and rustic a clementine pomander is. The scent takes me back to quiet cozy nights where I would sit (dreaming up holiday magic) between the dog and cat in front of a roaring wood stove, the three of us simply (quite happily) baking in the dead of winter.

My fingertips are now infused with this beautiful, therapeutic spice...




Went out for a long walk last night. The weather has been so nice, it is hard to stay in. Ended up at Boston Pizza where we traded slices and shared a delectable brownie and vanilla ice cream dessert. I am certain we inspired the couple next to us to do the very same thing as I overheard the girl oohing and ahhing how cute we were to be sitting there lost in conversation, sharing thoughts and sweets. When we got up to leave, I think I saw the traces of a brownie dessert plate on their table.
Headed to the bookstore where I browsed and got inspired. Holiday decor, magazines, recipes galore! It was then another long walk home but now with fancy ideas bouncing around inside my head.
I am enjoying the quiet and calm in my life right now. Simple pleasures. My soul seems so rested and at ease, I would hate to disrupt the harmony. I'm vacation-ready, that's what it is. I am aware of what is happening around me, I simply just do not give a crap. I'm in it for me right now- I am not fearful anymore of how this may come across. This is comfort I have not felt in a while.






It was another stir fry for dinner tonight. This one, Szechuan inspired. Totally concocted and boiled down my own sauce which turned out incredibly delicious. Brown sugar, sesame oil, red pepper flakes, soy sauce, ginger, oh my I forget all that went in! I was craving spicy incase you were not aware with the talk about spices in this post and all...

Oh god, this is all turning out rather Martha Stewart.